You know I never really wanted to be a hero, I really didn’t. I mean sure I said I wanted to be one, but that was just bar talk. I never liked the idea of having all that power and risking my life with it. I mean if I did I would at least want some kind of reward for it. Take the Supreme Thought for example, when his identity leaked turns out the old fucker was broke. The man had fought of an inter dimensional horror and he was on welfare. Hell no, that life wasn’t for me I never wanted it.
So why by whichever god turned out to be real this week was I currently impaled on some god damed rebar as some idiot in a stolen robotic suit tried to kill the Forge. Not that I hadn’t contemplated killing the Forge myself. I once met him at one of those meet and greet things, total fucking asshole, thought he was gods gift to men. Not that I have anything against the lifestyle but he really shouldn’t have grabbed my ass, I did consider rotting his dick off. Anyways back on point how had I gotten myself in this situation.
I don’t know exactly when I got my powers, it probably happened when I was assisting with research as an undergrad. Anyways I only noticed my powers when I got exposed to some sort of super-fungus that killed like half a city, only a small one but still. Anyways the damn fungus didn’t kill me so they put me through all of the regular tests and figured out that I was just naturally immune and didn’t have some sort of regenerative powers. That was bullshit and I decided to figure out why I was immune. It took me two months to figure it out.
I could manufacture retroviruses that were capable of reprograming DNA. Apparently I had reprogramed my own damn immune system to fight off the fungus. This is when I was officially up shit creek. What the hell could I do with my powers that wouldn’t land myself in a bloody grave. I couldn’t go villain, nothing got all the heroes out of the moldy deteriorating bug infested woodwork like the words bio-terrorism. I couldn’t go legit, try getting a drug control board to approve a retroviral cocktail excreted out of my bellybutton for widespread use. One thing was for certain someone would figure me out.
So I did the only thing I could and faked it. I reengineered my body to incorporate a carbon nanotube matrix into my bones. I then engineered by body to break down my bones faster and to regrow them faster. This took two months and hurt like a bitch especially when I tried to do anything and another bone would break. I increased my muscle density and thanks to my newly strengthened bones I could lift really fucking heavy things without ripping my own arms off. I created a mesh similar to spider silk that I put under my skin and sheathed my organs with the stuff.
Most of that stuff I did for fun in it’s own way, I mean a lot of it hurt like the eternal flames of the blood star, but I am kinda ok with that. Even now impaled as I am I don’t regret any of that. I do kind of regret increasing my perception speeds 37%, allowing me to have these thoughts but also allow me to feel every inch of the rebar for that much longer. I also regret my insane diet now, seriously I drink powered titanium and ceramics along with 49 other elements mixed in with my daily protein shakes. At least 3 of them should have killed me outright and 24 of them cause cancer, the rest just cause heavy metal poisoning.
So anyways I finished all of these modifications like two months ago and decided to celebrate by getting totally shitfaced. It didn’t work so I had to reengineer my metabolism to not break down alcohol at an accelerated rate. Two weeks later I decided to celebrate my finished modifications by getting totally shitfaced, this time it worked. So there I was drunk out of my mind at this club and this chick comes up to me. She had noticed I was ridiculously strong, so after an embarrassing attempt to make out with her and getting my drunk ass handed to me it tuned out she was strong as well.
Anyways she wanted to know if I was a hero, when I said I had just gotten my powers she invited me to this stupid meet and greet that Forge was at. Since I was so shitfaced and she was hot I said sure why not. It was one of those community outreach things were some B-list heroes try to convince supers to sign up for the good guys. Supervillans had been known to have big enough balls to occasionally stand outside and try to recruit the people coming and going. Anyways that’s when I met the asshole Forge and his team, turns out that the rest of the team wasn’t a bunch of flaming assholes. The team leader Aplh, seriously who calls themselves Aplh, apart from having a stick up his ass was a cool guy.
Anyways Aplh was looking for a new member and I was durable enough to fit the bill so he invited me to join them on a patrol. I eventually agreed mostly for shits and giggles, I mean who wanted to be a real hero, but I figured if I had contacts in the community I might not end up dead when my real powers became public. So It was just me Aplh and Forge running a patrol the rest of the team had a court date. This is the point in the story that we introduce the loser in the stolen robotic suit. This wouldn’t be a problem except that the suit belonged to Miracle Man, the guy was pure A list possibly even a shitting S class when he pulled out all the stops.
So Aplh got hit in the face with a rocket launcher right off the bat. He was dead, like dead dead, really fucking dead, I even got brans on my brand new spandex. I was the next one to get hit, with a bloody fucking pile driver, thats how I ended up through a wall and impaled on the rebar. If I could get tetanus I would be thinking about the last time I got my booster shots. Remember kids if you aren’t a super human and immune like me vaccinations are important. So here I am laying here trying to remember what stupid chain of events even let me to this place and there is only one thing I can think about.
I WANT TO TAKE THIS GOD DAMNED FUCKER DOWN
It was all over three minutes later. I was still stuck on the rebar and in need of a new spleen, liver half a heart and a lung, thank god for distributed systems. Forge was dead, apparently manipulating heat can’t save you from a pile driver to the face, at least without some kind of other durability powers, this is why Aplh recruited me I think. So Miracle Man showed up and deactivated the armor down with a single button and asked me if I was alright. I coughed up some blood and told him I was fine. He didn’t believe me and made me stick around for a healer, who took one look at me and fainted.
So that is the story of how I became the newest superhero. Could I have chosen anything stupider to do?