“Right kids, I’m sure you’re all wondering what’s going on. And yes I know today has already been weird as shit. But don’t worry, unlike some stuffed assholes you might have met recently, I will answer all your questions.”
Jason Maxwell starred down at the five teenaged girls before him. They all looked a little shellshocked, and were wearing the most frilly, lacy, impractical, and skin exposing costumes imaginable. The girl in the red costume was holding a sword, pink had a bow, green had a lance, blue had a wand, and yellow had two orbs of light orbiting her.
Also they were all standing in front of some giant dead dog monstrosity thing. It had been as tall as a two story building, and longer than two city blocks. It was covered all over in these greenish grey armor plates, that might have been bone. It really looked like it could totally wreck the city’s shit if it tried. However it was suffering from a critical case of decapitation, something Jason had done on his arrival. About forty seconds after the kids made a contract with what looked like a white, and pink stuffed cat, doll, thing.
“Come on, lets get back to base and I’ll tell you everything.” Jason tried to get the kids to follow him through the portal that had opened behind him.
“Just wait a second, who do you think you are?” It was the doll thing, that appeared to be trying to fluff up like a cat, it didn’t work too well due to the lack of fur, and the presence of fluff.
“I’m Jason Maxwell, former head of the POWER FORCE, we were active about twenty years ago, and dealt with an alien invasion. Spent the next three years in therapy, and still suffer from PTSD. A better question is who the hell do you think you are?”
“I am the manifestation of the will of the magical kingdom, come here to defend against the Abberants.”
“That’s nice, also not what I asked, you just recruited a bunch of kids to be child soldiers. Knowingly put them in a situation where they will have to kill, or get killed. As opposed to doing the smart thing, like go to the cops, or the military, or any of the hundreds of retired magical people. Or my organization, that’s going to be killing the Abberants anyways.”
“What you? You don’t have the power to fight them, they are monstrosities born of the nightmares of gods.”
“Big fucking whoop. I’ve killed gods. Besides we have a contract with the country to deal with this kind of shit. Actually we have a contract with all countries to deal with this shit. Except Japan, I think they like dealing with the monsters themselves, no matter how many times Tokyo gets trashed.” Jason walked through the portal and motioned for the kids to follow him.
Fortunately they did, even if they were a little nervous about it. They started walking down a long corridor, that was lined with posters of hero teams. POWER FORCE was the first poster, it showed five kids in colored uniforms all holding swords, and fighting a giant robot. The fight also seemed to be happening on mars. The other posters all had similar scenes of color coded heroes fighting monsters on alien landscapes. Some of the posters had black frames.
The first room they entered was labeled ARMORY, in large black letters.
“Ok what was going to happen was the stuffed asshole was going to make you all fight with those dinky weapons for an arbitrary amount of time. Then give you slightly better ones, this would happen two or three times. Fuck that. You, red, with the sword take a look at this. We call it the BFS.”
Red came up to look at the BFS. “No way I can lift that, it’s bigger than I am.”
Jason laughed, “antigrav tech, the weight is adjustable with that dial on the hilt”
“Are those rocket boosters?”
“You’re damn right they are, also the cannon takes either depleted uranium rounds, or standard explosive projectiles. Have fun with it, don’t hit anything that you don’t want to break. Spear girl, we have a BFS for you too, it’s about the same as the BFS. Yes we know the acronyms are confusing, we don’t care. Ok bow girl, we have something better than that bow.”
Jason walked the bow wielding girl over to a different wall that had a variety of guns. “Forget the bow, this is a mark two portable, destroyer class railgun. It comes with a satellite targeting system, is accurate up to eight kilometers, and can fire eighteen rounds a minute. Try not to start any wars with it.” The railgun wielding girl had a rather disturbing look on her face as she eagerly grabbed the manual.
“Now orb girl, do those shoot lasers or are they surveillance. You know what, never mind. Take this.” He shoved a slim tablet pc in the yellow girl’s hand. “It has satellite internet everywhere, the complete wikipedia of magic, and can hack into any surveillance system in range, magical or mundane. Also it’s range is about the size of Somalia. You can use it to request predator drones, and orbital strikes. Again don’t start a war, also easy on the porn. Who’s next, wand girl right?”
Jason turned to the final girl who was standing at the back looking nervous. “Ok here’s the deal, your power is heart. It’s stupidly powerful, no matter how useless it appears. There is however a trick to it. Heart is most often linked to the amount of moral outrage you’re feeling. This tablet contains information on slavery, genocide, the Nazi’s, oppression, and anything else you might find morally offensive. If that doesn’t work it also has a library of /b/’s greatest hits. Stay away from that if you can. Now lets all go meet Max.”
Jason lead the now heavily armed team of magical girls out the back of the armory into the comms room. The place reeked of pot, all of the pot, so much pot had been smoked in this room that the street price of pot increased every time the owner of the room went shopping. The server room was sealed behind a positive pressure glass door.
The rooms only occupant was Max. Max was dark skinned with dreadlocks a Bob Marley shirt, stupidly good looking, and playing Galaga. He looked up briefly at the girls. “Hey newbies earbuds on the desk over there.”
“Girls this is Max, the impression you are getting from him is correct, but he is just that good so it doesn’t matter. Lets talk about your monsters. Most likely they are going to show up near you, when they do don’t engage. Hide or something, if one of us don’t show up within five minutes call Max on your earbuds. You aren’t soldiers, you’re kids. We can train you if you want, but for now have fun being young. Leave the monsters to the professionals.”
The stuffed cat thing that had make them magical girls in the first place suddenly started to glow. “Warning warriors, an Abberation has entered the world, you must stop it.”
Max sat up as a red dot started flashing on his screen. “Got it, suckers in South America. Deploying alpha team. Alpha team on site. Monster killed. Deploying clean up team.” Max went back to Galaga.
“See kids, the world is safe. The weapons are a just in case measure, and remember us adults aren’t useless.”